Checking Our Own Weight Biases as Parents

Weight bias is a preference for thinness. In the words of psychologist Ashley Solomon, Psy.D., CEDS, “Weight bias is insidiously interwoven into the fabric of our culture.”

Like many of us, I grew up in a family that possesses a great deal of weight bias. When I gained weight just before puberty my mother put me on diets. My paternal grandfather bribed me to lose weight with the offer of a car. I realize my family members meant well. They stated at the time they were worried I would not be well-liked if I was overweight. At 101 years of age, my maternal grandmother still weighs herself daily and credits the diet she started in high school as the cause of my grandfather falling in love with her.

I have already recounted how I helped my older daughter gain weight when she fell off her weight curve at the age of 12—despite her pediatrician’s misplaced admiration, “You’re just how we all want to be,” (75%ile for height and 25%ile for weight [= thin for your height])” My son and younger daughter gained weight before their growth spurts, which led to that same pediatrician warning me about weight gain and risk of “ob*sity” for the two of them. This succinctly illuminates our culture’s weight bias: “ob*sity” is a far greater concern than anorexia nervosa.

Now let’s fast-forward to 2 years after the “ob8sity” warning for my younger daughter. Nearing the end of her height growth spurt, she has fallen off her weight curve. What is an FBT-trained professional therapist–and enlightened mother–to do?

She is about 10 pounds below where she should be according to the weight graphs (ignoring the single spurious plot point when I got the “ob*sity” warning). She is definitely slender. She does take medication that could reduce her appetite. However, even when she doesn’t take it, she has a small appetite. She does not show any other signs of weight or body concern, eats a range of foods, and is not very active (unlike her older sister when I intervened on her behalf to restore weight).

I notice my admiration for her current shape. I notice the temptation to leave her alone and let her remain on the thin side. After all, my son has gained weight now that he is no longer in high school sports. I notice a stronger urge to react to his food choices than I did when he was thinner. And with some larger relatives in their genetic heritage, I have had the fleeting thought that I would rather keep my daughter thin. WHAT?! I caught my thoughts unconsciously falling into programmed family and societal beliefs that I do not actually agree with on an aware and conscious level.

I examine my feelings and beliefs about what weight gain means for my daughter. I quickly recognized my over-valuing of her slenderness and my own projected anxiety about her potentially being larger. After questioning her pediatrician, who is, not surprisingly, unconcerned, and obtaining a print-out of her growth and weight curves, together we (my daughter and I) settled on adding a daily liquid supplement and mild encouragement to eat more. And, my daughter seems to feel it is a fun challenge.

I do what I ask the families I work with do, which is challenge the bias that thin is better and focus on keeping my daughter on track with her own weight curve, which I know is healthiest for her long term.