Dating with ARFID

by Carly Poynter, Psy.D. & Emily Walker, AMFT

Dating under normal circumstances is hard. Nerves are high. Palms get sweaty. And you wonder nervously, ‘Does this person like me?’ Many people find dating challenging, even though common dating activities are supposedly fun. Many first dates revolve around meeting over food or drinks — grabbing a hot dog at a baseball game, sharing hors d’œuvre at a fancy restaurant, or getting ice cream sundaes on a summer afternoon. But for people with a disorder that makes eating challenging or unenjoyable, dating can feel exponentially harder. One such disorder is Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID).

What is ARFID?

ARFID is a disorder that impacts the eating experience. People with ARFID may experience disinterest in food, aversion to certain sensations, textures, tastes, smells, or appearances of different types of food, or avoidance due to a feared outcome of eating. People who experience ARFID may have negative physical and emotional reactions to foods. This can impact their ability to eat enough food or eat in social settings. AFRFID is not merely “picky eating” but rather a disorder that causes significant impairments to an individual’s physical health, social life, and more.

Three Subtypes

People with ARFID often experience one or more of the following subtypes.

Sensory Sensitivity: People with sensory sensitivity subtype ARFID have usually been more sensitive than average to the tastes and textures of foods since childhood. They typically have more difficulty eating vegetables, fruits, and meats, which were more likely to be poisonous to our ancestors.

Low Interest: Individuals with low-interest subtype ARFID have often experienced less hunger or interest in eating since a young age. This is thought to be caused by abnormal levels of ghrelin, the hunger hormone, and cholecystokinin, the hormone that signals fullness. People with low-interest subtype ARFID typically find food less rewarding and often describe eating as a chore.

Aversive Consequences: ARFID from aversive consequences often arises in response to a traumatic experience around eating for oneself or others, such as choking, getting food poisoning, vomiting, or having gastrointestinal distress. People may avoid eating certain foods, quantities, or in certain situations to avoid future aversive events.

Potential Challenges of Dating with ARFID

People with ARFID date and find partners like everyone else. However, they may face additional potential challenges when dating.

Lack of understanding: Many people are unfamiliar with ARFID. You may feel isolated and invalidated when others don’t understand your struggle. This lack of understanding can make dating feel even more challenging, particularly if your date holds misconceptions about ARFID.

Social and Cultural Expectations about Food: Many social gatherings involve food. This may involve cooking with others or eating out at a restaurant. It could also mean attending parties at which food is a central focus. In certain cultures, there are strong associations between food and connection. Some members might even consider not eating a meal with others rude. This can create feelings of isolation, judgment, or self-consciousness for individuals with ARFID who struggle to eat food served at social events.

Feeling Embarrassment or Shame: Many people with ARFID have experienced embarrassment or shame related to their eating. These feelings may arise as you navigate the differences in how you experience food, which can lead to feeling self-conscious in a dating environment.

Avoidance of Activities: For those with ARFID, it may sometimes feel safer to avoid engaging in activities that involve social eating. This can mean saying no to an invitation for a dinner date or pulling back from a partner interested in food-related activities. Avoiding these challenging situations can heighten anxiety and make them feel even more difficult to try in the future.

Emotional Overwhelm: Living with ARFID can be emotionally draining. Adding in the stressors associated with dating and navigating relationships on top of managing eating habits can increase feelings of overwhelm. The key is finding support, maintaining self-compassion, and building open and honest communication.

Strategies for Dating with ARFID:

Alternative first-date activities: One strategy to help ease the challenges of dating with ARFID is to find a first-date activity that does not revolve around food. Some alternative activities include going to a movie, meeting someone for coffee, tea, or drinks, walking in a park or along a beach, going bowling, visiting a museum, or supporting a local sports team by attending a game.

Choose a time outside of regular meals: Another way to reduce stress around a first date is to pick a time to meet the other person outside of typical mealtimes. For example, instead of meeting around 5:00 pm-7:00 pm, when many people sit down for dinner, the date could be set to start at 3:00 pm to avoid the expectation of eating a meal together.

Find preferred foods: If going to a restaurant on a date is unavoidable or is something you want to try, creating a list of restaurants that serve your preferred foods can make the experience less challenging and give you more options for an enjoyable meal.

Exposure to new foods: If you are in treatment, try using your time in sessions to test out common first-date foods or variations of your preferred foods, such as pizza from different restaurants. This can help you feel more comfortable going to a new restaurant on a date.

Common Questions from Patients with ARFID about Dating

Dr. Carly Poynter has been working with patients with ARFID and other eating disorders for several years. She has reflected on common questions from her patients about navigating dating and new relationships while in treatment.

Question: Do I have to tell someone I have ARFID?

Answer: The short answer is no. You do not have to tell anyone you have ARFID, especially on a first date or early on in a relationship. If you do not want to disclose this to date early on, you can have a few phrases prepared in the event questions or observations about your eating are made. Some of these alternatives include telling someone you have dietary restrictions, don’t like certain foods, or prefer the food you ordered.

Question: When do I need to tell someone I have ARFID?

Answer: When you feel comfortable sharing it, which could be on the first date or later in a relationship. There is no right or wrong answer. Maybe the person you’re dating is a “foodie.” Maybe they are pushing you to try new foods or restaurants beyond what you’re comfortable with. Or perhaps you think your significant other could be a good support person. Telling someone you’re dating should only happen when you feel ready to share your experience or want to establish boundaries.

Question: If I decide to tell someone, what do I say?

Answer: You are in control here; you can decide how much information or how little you would like to share. You could start by providing some quick information, such as “I have ARFID. This means that certain characteristics of food (i.e., textures, smells, tastes, etc.) are challenging for me to eat.” OR “I have ARFID. This means that certain types of foods or new foods are very intimidating/ scary/ anxiety provoking for me to try,” OR “I have ARFID, which means that I have a disinterest in food and eating often feels like a chore.” The purpose of sharing about your experience should be to allow a chosen support person to understand you better.

Get Help for ARFID in California

Dating can feel challenging for many people and even more so for anyone experiencing symptoms of ARFID. The good news is there are several strategies aimed at reducing the complications caused by ARFID within a dating environment. Finding alternative activities or having open and honest communication with a partner can help lessen the stress associated with romantic relationships and first dates. And remember, you have control over when and how to share (or not!) your experience with ARFID.

There are plenty of resources available to anyone wanting support in navigating ARFID and other eating disorders. Our eating disorder therapists have expertise in treating ARFID and provide individual, group, and family therapy for people with ARFID. Contact us now to get connected to one of our therapists. We offer individual or family therapy. We also offer a FREE weekly Adult ARFID support group for adults in California with ARFID. Our therapists also provide a monthly support group for parents of people 6 to 20 with ARFID, open to individuals in any location.